Forward

“Dammit.”



It was all I could muster to say after the match was over. I tried. I went for a killshot when I thought it was the right time, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t. And it sucked. Granted, I felt good, and it did make me feel much better about the outcome to see people absolutely shocked that I picked up Nathaniel Cartwright. I have never really had so many people coming up to me saying they were impressed. People I didn’t really know, people who I only knew professionally, all of them coming up to me like I had just won something important. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing. It was odd to say the least. My knee-jerk reaction was to assume that perhaps I had done something I wasn’t supposed to, or that perhaps now I was going to be some kind of big deal. I just didn’t get it. It took me almost a full minute of this for me to finally accept that this was a good thing and this wasn’t some kind of backhanded thing. People were… actually impressed with something I did.



It was still confusing. Did they not see the match? I had to wonder about this, almost out loud. I shouldn’t be the one getting this praise, Nathaniel Cartwright won the match, not me. Perhaps they were just trying to make me feel good? I don’t like that my brain almost instantly goes to that level, like this is some kind of joke and that I didn’t REALLY do anything. That they could just go back and laugh at me later. I don’t like thinking that way about people, I really don’t. I have just had it happen so many times in my life, that real, genuine praise I struggle with. My defenses go up, but this… all of this was real. Maybe people were trying to stop me from being discouraged? I don’t know. It sure felt real. And I did enjoy that feeling.



Perhaps, even in defeat, I didn’t let anyone down?



It was still incredibly frustrating not to win that match. I felt that I had it, and it just got away from me. I didn’t feel as frustrated after walking through the curtain to applause and congratulations after getting over the immediate shock. People were still congratulating me after I changed, and fans were actually clamoring for my autograph. Again this was a big shock to me. It all seemed like some kind of joke, or some kind of dream, but no, I was almost late to the airport to catch my flight because I stayed back so long signing autographs and taking pictures.



When I finally got that moment to myself in the rental car, the emotion that had been there, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried. I bawled my eyes out so much that I was shaking in the car. This was a special feeling and as much as I had learned to keep that straight face, and lived by that “never let them see you sweat” mantra. This was different. Things were different.



And they were good.



I think this is what true joy feels like.



---



The flight from Seattle was a long one. Flying across the country is not fun, I just enjoy the freedom of movement. But the long hours in the air, cramped and being in airports is just a way of life. But the long hours were also worth it, because one of the most important people in my life texted me and asked me to come and visit.



Mimi.



I was overcome with emotion at that, to. I thought to myself for a moment, wow, I’m becoming a big softie. But Mimi was genuine in asking for me to come. This would be one of the first time we actually met in person, and it was something I was genuinely excited for.



Plus, this was the first time I was getting to visit New York City.



Now, being from Pittsburgh, it’s not like I don’t know what a big city is. I lived in Pittsburgh pretty much my whole life, until at the age of 22, I moved out to California. I wanted to be outside, in the sun and see everything. But I had no idea what I was going to do in California, and that fizzled out rather quickly. As fun as modeling can be, it’s the main reason it did fizzle out. I wasn’t ready and I can only shake my head and think of the naive girl I was then. And how it helped make me who I am today.



But an even bigger part of that was Mimi.



I got off the plane at JFK and Mimi was there waiting. The hustle and bustle of New York City was every bit that I expected it to be, but it was all a blur. It was like something out of a movie. You know that scene they do in movies a lot where everything is in super fast motion and yet the camera focuses on one person? That was me, because as soon as I spotted Mimi, that’s the only person I could see. The only person that mattered.



It took everything in me now to bear hug the very life out of Mimi. The embrace was long, and I wanted to cry right then and there. She was there. She was real. She was warm and her embrace was tender and genuine. I almost wanted it to last forever. I think she knew that, but it didn’t bother her to hold that hug for longer than normal. But it did end, Mimi smiling warmly at me and seeing everything written on my face.



“Holly. It’s good to see you.”



“It’s good to see you too.”



Mimi let me come in for another hug. This one wasn’t as long as before, but Mimi knew what I was going through. I broke off the embrace and sniffled. I was almost hyper-ventalating.



“Are you okay, Holly?”



“Y..yeah” I managed to get out through a small laugh. This whole thing was surreal to me.


“Do you need a moment? We can sit down if you need a moment.”



“Yes. Let’s do that.”



Mimi actually helped guide me to a bench to sit down and she sat down next to me. She put her arm around me and was monitoring everything I did, as I let out another sniffle and that laugh got out of me again.



“I don’t know why this is so crazy to me.”



“It’s okay. Really.”



“I just… it’s almost like I never wanted to believe you were real.”



“I’m real, Holly. Promise.”



“I’m not.. I’m not usually like this. I swear.”



Mimi actually laughed.



“It’s alright. You can be however you need to be, Holly, just so long as it’s you.”



“Thank you.”



Mimi sat with me in silence for just all that time as I gathered myself. I was like some fangirl meeting her idol for the first time. This woman literally saved my life and here I was like a small child overcome with emotion. Finally my breathing returned to normal and I stood up.



“So, what’s New York City like?”



Mimi smiled at me.



“Let’s get your bags first, Holly.”



We did just that, and Mimi had people load the limo for her, and drive us around. Mimi had obviously made quite a bit of money creating and working with Divinity. But she didn’t act like she did. She was one of the most down-to-earth people I’ve ever met in my life, and here she was, out of the kindness of her heart, meeting with me and talking with me like we were the best of friends. As if we had known each other since we were kids.



“I saw what you did last night. I’m proud of you, Holly.”



So many people had said that, but coming from Mimi, it meant the world.



“Thank you Mimi. For everything.”



“You’re most welcome, Holly. And thank you.”



Her “thank you” confused me.



“But, I didn’t do anything.”



Mimi just smiled, touching my shoulder again.



“You did. You’re here. You didn’t give up when you could have. You could have let all of this go when you were down, but you didn’t”



“I owe all of that to you.”



Mimi shook her head.



“No, you owe that to yourself. I just provided an ear. You had to take that next step forward. And you did, and I’m forever proud of you for that. And I will always call you my friend.”





Mimi’s words hit me like a ton of bricks.



“You’re going to make me cry again.”



“If you do, that’s okay.”



And so, I did. I cried. Again. I thought this was going to be a fun little getaway, and here I was bawling again because this person, this woman was so good to me. I did not know this level of kindness actually existed.



---



I spent a couple of days with Mimi and it went better than I had ever hoped. But there was one conversation we had to have that I knew was going to put Mimi in a weird position, and I tried to avoid it.



But in fact, she was the one that brought it up. As she served me breakfast.


“I see you are facing Xaria at that PWE show.”



I swallowed my food and nodded.



“Yes. I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t want to put you in an awkward spot.”



Mimi simply hand waved this notion away.



“Holly, there are many women I have a personal and professional interest in. My girls all mean a lot to me, and I want to see them all succeed. That doesn’t mean I want to see one do better or worse than the others. I wish you all the most success. That’s what Divinity was about for me. All of you ladies, doing what you do, and doing it well. So as far as your match with Xaria goes, I wish you both the best of luck. I’ll be cheering for you both to steal the show, and I have every confidence you will”



That was it. That’s all it took for me to just forget about the match, and focus on just… living. For a little bit there, I had become consumed with trying to race my way to the top and prove something to everyone, that I had forgotten that this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. And I have a long time left to go.



---



After Mimi and I saw the sights of New York City, and we parted ways, I went home feeling a whole lot better about many things. Mimi is so wise and gave me so much good advice, I can never thank her enough for that.



But it was back to the grind, with Rich right there to help me get prepared for another challenge, and another step forward.





---



Let’s try this again.



---



Holly:

I have to admit that it’s getting harder and harder to come in front of you these days and not be frustrated. It’s hard to sit here and tell you I’m making progress. Because the results are not what I want them to be. Sure, I appreciate anything and everything positive that I can take from these setbacks. I really do. Because it’s a whole lot better than being told that you failed. But I don’t like, or need things sugar-coated that aren’t cereal. I like to take the positives away, but really, there aren’t many from that last match. Yes, I gave it everything I had. Yes, I was happy to be in the main event, and I’m happy people enjoyed it. But the fact is, I didn’t get the job done. Sure, I picked up Nathaniel Cartwright and pressed him over my head, and it was pretty cool to see people’s reactions. I felt that rumble and I heard all the noise being made, and the people coming up when I actually got Nathaniel up. Maybe, I made a moment in this short Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE run. I’m thankful for that and humbled at the same time. But at the end of the day, I’m not where I want to be. I understand whole-heartedly that I’m not at that level and it’s going to take time. And maybe, just maybe, I opened some more eyes along the way. That’s cool. I can get behind that. But that loss, it stings. It hurts a lot. I try not to get discouraged about this, and a lot of people have come forward in support of me, and I really appreciate that. It means a lot to me that people actually are looking at me differently now.



Well, now that I think about it, there IS a lot to take away from this match, minus the loss. Still, it does bum me out. Especially because even before the match with Nathaniel took place, the announcement came across that Nathaniel was getting his championship match against Damien Ayla, regardless of what happened to him against me. Win, lose, or draw, he was set in stone. And while I always appreciate getting to face a great opponent, it did kind of make my efforts feel moot. I still went out there and tried my best and I do feel good about that, but it’s not looking good from a record standpoint. Nonetheless, it is now time that I move on and see what lies ahead for me. I just hope that I haven’t squandered anything, because let’s be real about this. The reason the records are kept in pro wrestling at all, not just Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE is because they matter. And right now, it’s not looking good for me. And so, this becomes a different situation then ones I have been in before.





This becomes a must-win.



This becomes a situation where my win-loss record comes into question. I didn’t get the luxury of being in a hell in the cell match to maybe get a shot at the Impulse championship. I wasn’t placed in the Victory Championship street fight. No, the win-loss record is showing and it’s not good, so now, this becomes an incredibly important match. Against an equally determined opponent.



---



Xaria Linette



---



Holly:

It’s already more than enough the quality of an opponent like Xaria to have me understand how important this match is. Xaria is an amazing wrestler and has accomplished a lot, even if she doesn’t believe so. I did my study on her, and unless Google is lying to me, Xaria has always been a fine athlete and a true ring general. All of that was daunting enough. It didn’t need the piling on that someone attacked Xaria ath the last Victory show. Now, let me be the first to reassure Xaria that it was not me. I have no ill will or feelings towards her, and certainly, I wasn’t going to waste the energy of randomly attacking someone who I have no problem with, when I was already gearing up for a huge match myself. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m not one to waste energy anyway, but I don’t ever plan on attacking someone for no reason backstage. That was a cowardly thing to do, and I do my fighting in the ring. And although Xaria may not suspect me, I still feel the need to clear that up before any speculation comes my way. I don’t need to try and gain an edge in that fashion, and the fact that this took place before the match was even announced helps my cause. I had no advanced knowledge of anything, I just go with the flow and whatever is put in front of me, I put my best foot forward in terms of taking on that challenge.



So having said all that, I have heard and understood that Xaria doesn’t plan on losing this match. In fact, she has stated she “refuses” to lose. And that is something that, while I admire the fight and the bravado, I cannot simply step back from because Xaria got attacked and I feel bad about it myself. I have plenty of sympathy and empathy for Xaria, she has never been hostile towards me, in fact, she was quite friendly after our first encounter about a month ago. But this does not by any stretch of the imagination mean that I’m just going to roll over and let Xaria pick herself back up because she’s in a worse position than me, currently. No, this match means a lot to me, I would argue as much, if not more, for me, than it does for her. And that’s not me being disrespectful, that’s me saying how I feel.



As stated, sure I’ve been impressing people, and that’s all well and good, but winning impresses people a lot more than a solid effort. Xaria doesn’t have to worry about these things as I do. She’s got nothing to prove to anyone at this point. She has already done so much. She has built her reputation and her career, while mine is still getting started. I would argue that’s the reason she was attacked in the first place. People know Xaria Linette, and they see her as a threat, or an old rival or something to that effect. Perhaps someone looking to make a name for themselves at her expense. It could be any one of those things. But the last time I checked, I did beat Xaria prior to this match. Yes, it was a triple threat match, and yes, the circumstances were a little different. But that does not take away the fact that I did win. And to date, it is my only win in Pro Wrestling EXCELLENCE. That has to change if I’m going to get anywhere here. I’m talking about what really matters to me, and that is a win. Winning is what has to be done. So while Xaria “refuses” to lose, I’m afraid that’s what has to happen to her in order for me to be successful. Some people may accuse me of being boring, but I’m going to have to be pretty cut and dry on this one. There isn’t really much to this. This is a must-win match for me. I have to beat Xaria Linette, there are no two-ways about it. As much respect as I have for Xaria, as much as I empathize and can sympathize with someone trying to take her out for no good reason, that does not distract me from the fact that winning gets me back on track. It may take Xaria down a different path, but that’s the way it has to be. I am bigger, and stronger than Xaria, and I understand completely that she is going to come into this match with an unmatched amount of fire, because of what happened and how she’s looking to make sure that the person who did this understands that it’s not going to stop her. I admire that. I get it completely. But if I have to toss Xaria around to make the point known that I’m not letting a couple of setbacks get me down, then it comes down to who wants it more, doesn’t it?



I’m sorry to inform Xaria that I need this match. I need to win, and although I want to see Xaria succeed and find the people who attacked her and get what she feels will be revenge, that’s not going to start at my expense. Xaria may refuse to lose, but I’m going to refuse to let someone who is justifiably angry at outside forces, use that as momentum to beat me. I like to think I’m on the right track, and so I can’t let Xaria just come and push me back down, when I’ve been down the past two weeks. I’m going to make it my goal this time out, to prove to Xaria and anyone else who is thinking that this is the end and I am a flash in the pan, they are sadly mistaken. I have learned from these past weeks, and I am going to get better. Period. I am not about to be pushed around by anyone, not even if your name is Xaria Linette, I know she will push me hard, I expect that, and I want that.



But, looking at her, and looking at me... when push comes to shove, I think I got that.





---



Wrap it up.



---



Holly:

So yes, I am excited to face Xaria again, and excited and honored to face her one on one. Mrs. Linette is just going to be in for a long, long night because with how I feel? I’m going to make everyone stand up and take notice of me.



I’m marching forward next Sunday. Not back. I promise you that.